There are times when one looks at his or her life and realizes that he/she simply isn’t doing enough. As a human being, I feel as if my potential is wasting away into bitter nothingness. Not in my academia nor in my work, but simply as my ongoing role as a daughter of God. Where much is given, much is expected, and I have been given so much. I know exactly what I need to do, and yet I find myself not doing it. This is terrible, absolutely terrible, but I feel a need to list them. Oh my….

Things I need to change in my life:

1. First and foremost: Honesty. I think it quite possible that I am the most dishonest person in the world. I kid you not. I lie all the freaking time. Big things, small things, important things, stupid things. At times I find myself lying without rhyme or reason, for no reason at all. It’s quite possible that I’m a pathological liar, but I can control what I say enough to establish some integrity in myself. What vexes me the most about this is the fact that this has never bothered me at all; I’ve simply accepted it as an easy way of living, a low way of living. I’ve already taken steps to approach and solve this dilemma: lately I’ve forced myself into becoming more honest and I’ve decided to be completely sincere when dealing with my mother. We’ve finally reached an understanding in our relationship that I plan to honor with nothing but my utmost authenticity and sincerity of heart. Still, I have so little scruples when it comes to honesty, and this maddens me.

2. My treatment of those who love me is something I am currently ashamed of. I’ve been treating my family like crap. Poor, poor family. My mum has done so much for me, and yet I know not what she has given. How easily I take this for granted and push her away. I still don’t agree with certain rules and I despise the way I become her outlet for many of her frustrations. She deserves respect, however. She does.

3. I’m still so sadistic! I can’t help the fact that I delight in the disturbances of those around me.

4. Selfishness. Not in the conventional sense, but just in the fact that I haven’t really been prayerful about any of the decisions I’ve made lately. True belief is followed by trust, which is then followed by devotion. How far must I deviate before I realize which way I yearn to go? I am told by multitudinous voices in my head and in my being that I’ve truly found the path I wish to follow, the one that can bring me that one place I’ll sincerely call “home”, if you will.

What folly my life is! How foolish of me, to trust in the hand of man as opposed to the hand that created me! What am I doing? I am nothing alone; my belief doesn’t define me but it does support me, it does sustain me. My divinity, my deity, my God! I love thee now as I shall forever. In the arms of those above I feel foolish and imprudent, but never inadequate, never unloved, never unwanted.

Time is too fragile and beyond my grasp to predict. I don’t know what lies ahead of me, and I don’t really think I want to. It is imperative, however, that I find passion in living what I know, in becoming who I want to be. The money doesn’t matter, who I stand next to is inconsequential, what I do is insignificant. To be a useful servant in the eyes of He that reigns supreme is all I truly, honestly long to be. All the rest will follow, all the rest will work.

This I know to be true.