The calm that has fled my life these past two weeks is slowly creeping back; moments ago I finished putting my new room together after hours of cleaning, organizing, folding and disposing, and soon, hopefully tomorrow I will have a new job and thus abate my monetary worriments. Today I spent a lazy Sunday afternoon with Bryan and facilely helped him brainstorm the décor of his his apartment, and the ease of the day symbolically finalized the leave of the past fortnight's discord. I have slipped back into my preferred norm as if I were a pond, ready to once again settle after the wind has sent ripples of discomfort and past remembrances up and around my existence. Here things are: simple, minimal, clean and easy, just as I left them, ready to be picked up and put back in place.

Elisse made a rather clever observation while I was back in Zion, one that has occupied my thoughts for a while and has yet to leave me. During my return to salt lake and the discomfort of my life there- a discomfort built by confrontations with my mother, the church, and the inactivity of Salt Lake in general- I was distressed by my incommodious surroundings but survived regardless until the last couple of days; these days were marked by what once could call an emotional breakdown. This emotional breakdown occurred on a public bus, canceled my involvement in a family portrait and lasted for two and a half days. As fervently as I attempted to reassure myself that the instability stemmed from external factors- those being the different atmosphere, sleep deprivation, and a drastic change in eating habits- Elisse brought a simple fact to light: if the tranquility I had found in Cincinnati was truly a byproduct of peace of self as opposed to peace of surrounding, why did it flee the moment I left the city? Why was I still unable to handle the stress of my family and friends in Salt Lake? Has my maturity genuinely grown or have I simply eliminated the aspects of life that challenge my capabilities?

At first this terrified me; for some reason I felt as if all I have acquired this past year had been invalidated, and the peace that I have battled for so desperately is nothing more than self deceit. As I nestle back into my home, however, I realize the contrary; I have removed what I know to be especially bad for me and I've let the rest of my talents flourish. Simply because I have taught myself how to manage necessary stresses does not mean that my life is without stress. As I look back over the past year I realize that my accomplishments are not few; two full semesters completed with a 3.8 and 4.0, work to which I have devoted myself and earned boasting recommendations from two managers at a prestigious restaurant, a relationship that I steadily and healthily nourish, a car that has never, for a single moment, been anything but spotless, and a lifestyle that is consistently orderly. I recognize that though my emotional maturity has grown boundlessly, it is still dwarfed by my youth and my stubbornness. I am growing in many ways, and despite the areas of my personality that still wait for evolution, my life is developing, not stagnating, however comfortable it may appear. Elisse was certainly a strength for me while I was there. It is good to have her, as it always is, and I suppose she helped remind me to take the steps that I need to take to feel fulfilled. We all hold ourselves back in one way or another, and though this will never make us happy we must remember that internal change can only come gradually.

Contrary to popular opinion, I am alive and well. I went to Salt Lake and returned three days ago with many, many stories yet little to say. Perhaps I'll write about it sometime, perhaps not. We shall see, dear readers.

This evening I accompanied dad and Cindy to yet another fabulous Over The Rhine concert. With the exception of the alarmingly low temperature in the auditorium, everything was perfect, as expected.

Today I also went job hunting. I'll be the first to admit it: I've been careless lately. I figured it was safe to quit the Chart House without another job lined up because I didn't feel like getting shifts covered for my trip to salt lake. I now have a grand thirty-four dollars to my name. Granted, I don't have any bills coming up soon, but it takes more than thirty-four dollars to fill up my car, which currently has an empty tank. Even if I find a job immediately, I probably won't see any money for a week or so. I'll be fine, I suppose- I wouldn't say otherwise, regardless, because what will benefit me now more than anything is blind optimism, so thus is my choice- but I hate cutting things so close. The following indulgences with have to be forsaken for the next fortnight: spontaneous outings for coffee, food, parking meters, and gas. My frugality shall prevail!

The sweet smell of completion…

Five minutes ago I completed my last exam. I finished, and I finished well, ready to leave the comfort of a mediocre campus and eager to push forward. Don’t mind the future, my darling, let’s just focus on what is important at this moment in time: I’m done for now.

I suppose the declaration that I shot myself in the foot numerous times this week is not exactly a true one, but only because it might misguidedly suggest that I still have feet left, which, unfortunately, is not the case. As I look down at the smoldering, twisted and alarmingly small stumps of burnt flesh that sit ungainly where my feet once were I realize that they unmistakably no longer qualify as normal human appendages. Toes are a concept of the past now unbeknownst to me, and the revolting agglomeration of exposed bone and blue, budging veins that perch on the end of my legs have forever whisked away the delight of fun, strappy heels. To wit:

-I thought I had exempted myself from the final exam in my race and gender class. But alas! To my horror and explosive fury I was informed that an 89.7% is not an A in the lurid, illogical mind of a certain professor Binney. Thus I was forced to write a seven-page discourse on the three branches of government and explain which is most beneficial to the civil rights of African Americans. I haven't attended class in two weeks and no longer have the book we were supposed to use as our main resource. I finished the paper fifteen minutes ago, but I want you to know that if I believed in such a place and had the necessary power, I would send our dear professor Binney straight to hell. And make him wear plaid high waters and a wicker sports bra while rubbing Donald Rumsfeld's disgusting feet. FOREVER.

-On Wednesday I unloaded four pages of sociological bullshit on my history of aviation essay. I could have skillfully answered the question with material that was actually relevant. I am a dumb ass, however, so I ranted about biological determinism instead. Regrettably, Only upon recollection did I realize my state of eternal dumbassness.

-I was given a $134 speeding ticket for driving 24 mph over the speed limit on what is notoriously known as the most harshly patrolled stretch of highway in Ohio. God, I know I'm a dumb ass, okay? Just leave me alone. Leave me and my sad little pulverized feet alone.

While reading this please keep in mind that it is 2:30 in the morning, and that any spelling error and/or complete incoherence should be attributed to the ungodly hour of the morn. Or the fact that I'm a complete dumb ass. Either one, really, should be able to explain my inability to function normally.