Yesterday my purse was stolen. It was terrible; I didn't have any credit cards, debit cards, my drivers license, or my social security number in the purse at the time it was viciously ripped out of my life, but my Christian Dior sunglasses are gone! Why, oh why? Why my Christians? I am a restaurant hostess, and I make 7 freaking bucks an hour. Those sunglasses cost me $250.

Note to self: Cease to exist as a brand whore and save up for college.

My family and I were at Domino's pizza at the time (which makes perfect sense, I know). I left the purse (which is my fault, I know). We came back to the greasy edifice to find that the manager had found it after I called to inform him of my loss, but had left it on the seat. A Hispanic man had come in, ordered and paid for a pizza, saw my purse and bolted without picking up the food he had paid for. Upon seeing the man frantically running out of the shop, he wrote down the license plate number and called the police. So now I have a case number, the policeman's sympathies, and no purse. Dang.

I'm fine with this; I'm glad I learned this lesson with a cheap purse containing nothing more than $4 cash and my precious Diors. I'm just bitter about the fact that it would be so easy to repossess my belongings. The store had the license plate number, from which the officer could look up an address and phone number. That's all I want- a phone number. I'd call Pedro up and say:

"Hello, are you by any chance the man that ran off with my purse last Saturday at Domino's? No hard feelings, honestly, I work hard for my money, too. I'm sure that you found out shortly after the incident that the bag contains only four dollars." AND MY DIOR SUNGLASSES THAT YOU HAVE PROBABLY ALREADY GIVEN TO YOUR BLEACH-BLONDE WHORE, YOU IMBICILIC MONKEY FROM SOUTH OF THE BORDER! “I’ll give you twenty if you just give it back to me- I'll even let you keep the four you've probably already spent. Quite a deal, eh?"

Come on- I can't turn him in, why would he refuse? Most likely because he knows that If I get a hold of his address I'll torch his car. Well, what are you going to do?