So the mystery has been solved, and my bathroom dilemma is, laughingly informs my father, a very modern bidet. He was kind enough to tell me all about it, and he even provided a very useful website.

Now, I know you're not going to follow that link. It's about bidets, why would you? Because it's hillarious:

"It is truly amazing that although American plumbing manufacturers produce more Bidets than manufacturers in any other country, these same Bidets are exported away from the very people who believe that they lead the world in personal cleanliness and hygiene habits. It appears incredible that the modern American who spends so many billions of dollars on cosmetics, drugs, and various other personal care preparations annually, as compared to similar expenditures for physicians' services, should be so concerned about fastidious daintiness and well being for 98% of his body, when for the better part of each 24 hours he blissfully ignores his invisible but nevertheless soiled derriere."

(*) Song of the Bidet
I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair...
...Apologies to the South Pacific!"