During the dark ages of having no internet, I "blogged" on microsoft word. The fruits of my labors are as such:

April 17th, 2004
Why must things change? Even with my short attention span and eager demeanor, I find myself wishing for a stationary environment and a frozen life at times, hoping for a world that can never deliver anything but consistency. I’ve upgraded and morphed and adjusted, but I’ve never changed. I’ve never had to make a decision that affected my life farther than a week ahead, I’ve never truly worried about the fact that my future is a blur and is progressively falling out of focus, because up until now I’ve had it mapped lucidly before me. Even when I decided to graduate early I just pictured myself completing my classes, going to the U, starting a career. I hate that this is anything but sound. I hate that there is a risk, I hate that there is a chance things might not work out.

Oh well. Now that I’m done fretting about my indefinite future I can explain where I’ve been for the however many days I’ve neglected to write. I truthfully don’t know how many, exactly, and I can’t find out. Right now I’m writing this on Microsoft word; we no longer have internet and I cannot update my blog. Rob was paying for the cable connection, and he left on Wednesday for his mission. Things are a bit quieter, but I miss the internet more than I miss him, to be completely honest. He and I are alike in the sense that neither of us sees a need to whine about each other when we honestly don’t care in that way. I love him and wish the best for him, but I’m not going to cry about the fact that I won’t see him till 2006. I admire what he’s doing and I’m not worried about him. I’ll write him though, occasionally.

Back to the internet connection problem- I don’t have any. We’re getting DSL soon but the parentals are slacking. That’s no good; I fulfill the slacker quota for this family and half of the Salt Lake Valley, we have no more room for idlers, dangit! I’m going to nag the living existence out of them until they get me my internet. I don’t think I could subsist without internet, I honestly doubt it. I don’t think I could. After about a week or so I would spontaneously combust and leave my tattered remains behind as a manifestation of weakness yet held potency. This is not a comfort item, but a matter of life or death. I need my internet! AAHHHHHHHH! I NEED THE INTWARWEB!

Until then I supposed I’ll be twaddling about Microsoft word, only to submit dateless entries upon the glorious morn of the internet’s return to my house. Huh.

Yeah- so it turns out a whole bunch of people have been reading my blog. Dave (apparently in polite revenge for my not calling him or some other rationalization like that), Joel (only an entry or two) Jeff (Not sure, but he commented about NZ, and speak of the devil) NZ did too. Whatever. I don’t really care, but it’s kind of weird that NZ found out that I really was obsessed with him and I wasn’t kidding when I told him that I think he’s sexy. More awkward still is the fact that it’s completely physical and that I’m not too impressed with his belief system or his convictions, and that I wrote about it. That’s okay- I’m LDS, I’m sure he thinks the same thing. We’re buddies, even if he doesn’t come to physics anymore.

I’m not too taken back by the fact that they got hold of my blog. I still retain the opinion that I’m quite possibly the most dull, monotonous person in existence, so if they yearn to read about it for whatever twisted reason they have my best wishes. I don’t think they’ll keep reading it anyway, so I hope it explained some things to them. I must be a very confusing entity to behold; I hope my blog enlightened them. Despite the fact that it can be such utter bliss, oblivion has the power to agitate and disturb.

My spring break was excruciatingly superb, how I dread returning to school! I’m too content with doing nothing to bear the last two months of school. I want to become a hermit and eat grass and assorted tree bark for the rest of my life, do nothing but breathe and taste of freedom’s sweetest fruits. Laziness is my vice and languor is my beloved adversary, I will fight them until the day I die. (Especially when I eat mizithra and ice cream when I work, like I did tonight).

Nikka Costa is actually a really cool singer. “Everybody got their something” is the trendy popular song that enthused investigation, “corners of my mind” is my favorite. Her voice can be very annoying, but sounds so cool in “corners of my mind”. I’m listening to her on my beautiful MP3 player that my daddy brought back to me, I’m so happy to have it back. I need to name it.

I shall call it Bartholomew the expressive.

Oh hush up- I never claimed to be sane.

Carter and I are dating now, and I’m very happy when I’m with him. I adore him, I respect him, and I feel affection for him. It all seems too delightfully self explanatory to explain. I’ll leave you with that.

I’m going to work on my drivers ed. *shakes fist pathetically*

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(The rest are dateless. Bear with me)

I just got back from a runway show. Ugh. It was matrix, and I got to wear two incredible couture gowns, but it was work. Over a span of two days a team of 17 people spent 8 hours and 45 minutes on my hair. Yes, they did dye it a shade darker, and I love it by the way, but the other 6 hours were completely superfluous. Stupid perfectionists. Stupid hairdressers.

Carter and I decided to, er, part. We’re not dating anymore, in any case. I knew it wouldn’t have worked- he wants something serious and I don’t steady date- but I enjoyed our time together ever so much. I’ll miss being with him in that sense, but it’s for the best. I’ll still see him. He could get mushy at times anyway. How sad. Oh well; it will still be a while until any event or person will be capable of shattering my unadulterated apathy and capturing my emotion and trust. I don’t become attached; that’s stupid at this point in time. I don’t get hurt; I’m lazy, and would rather not deal with the heart-wretching yadda yadda yadda. Meh. I know I don’t worry about it…

What a blithe mood I’m in! I feel so unconcerned, so indifferent. Blasé and nonchalant, I sit here slumped in my chair with my beautiful dark hair swirling about my undisturbed face. That’s it- I refuse to write. I’m watching batman…

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Yes- My family is full of slackers. It’s Sunday, April 25, and we still don’t have the intarweb. We won’t until the 29th. I will have gone two entire weeks without it. Applause, please. It sucks though; I wasn’t born as a being meant to live without internet access. It simply was not meant to be. My blog and my email are stamped on my mind, vogue.com flows through my veins.

Krishna, I’m a geek.

Anyway, my reluctant return to East High wasn’t quite the excruciating agony I had anticipated. Back to the salt mine kind of deal; the inevitable drop back into the monotony of lackluster living. I’ve got less than two months left till summer at any rate; the checkered flags at the finish line are in sight. After two summer classes I shall be done with high school, completely finished. The agony I feel when surrounded by the petty will dim, the tediousness of the majority of my work will diminish.

And then I will go to another institute of education that I will learn to hate and despise, and all will be well, I’m sure.

Okay- I’m going to go talk to my daddy using the evil dial-up we have on the other comp. Dial-up is morbid and against so many of my principles, but it’s daddy. I love daddy.

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So Carter and I are back together now. Huh.

I adore him. I spent all afternoon with him, just being with him. How could I do this? He’s such a romantic- this isn’t characteristic of me at all. A romantic? Come on now, what is this nonsense? Romance? How silly.

But it’s not. I love the time we spend together.

But I’m definitely not mawkish. I despise the maudlin in all their weepy glory, and the slushy sentiment they choose to submerge their existence in.

Hmmm… didn’t do a minute of homework today although I had hours begging to be invested in the academic absurdity that is East high. The illogicality of doing something as inane as homework is daunting, so I simply don’t do it. Instead I eat pop tarts with Carter. 

I’m going to go to bed now. I’m going to have to get up at such an ungodly hour of the morn so that I feel slightly prepared at school. Meh. What rubbish.

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I should be in my first period right now, but all we’re doing in Jr. Choir is measuring the men for their uniforms, and I’m a bad person, therefore I’m home instead. So here am I, sipping a slim fast, typing about nothing. Slim fasts are disgusting- no wonder they’re only 2 grams of fat; it doesn’t qualify as food. It’s icky.

But I’m hungry and determined to keep my gram allowance down to 41grams a day, so here I bitterly sip. Even though I’m still considered underweight for my height (I’m 5’8 ½’’ and I’m 122) I want to get back down to 115 again. I just think I look better lithe and healthy. Granted my new found “curves” are nice, but I hate having a semi-squishy stomach. How vexing. These shakes are categorically ghastly, but nothing comes without a price. Darn.

I’m going to Evita on Saturday. How marvelous; I simply can’t wait. News has it that the actress playing Evita is superb, so I’m not even worried about the Utah theatre debasing the play. Huzzah.


My family is the most incompetent social unit in the world. Honestly- I kid you not. They are so incredibly incapable it’s depressing, and the fact that I have to live with them depresses me still more. Argh.

Today I had no idea what time I was working. Usually I’m on at 4:30 or 5:00, so I asked my mother for a ride around 4:15. She made me promise to do some of her grading for her, and after the oath had been sworn I was whisked away to Spag. Upon arrival I found out that I wasn’t on call until 6:15, so I walked home. I returned by way of bus at 6:15 to find my mother there, furious. Apparently she had been looking for me for 3 hours and had called up every single persona she associated me with, completely freaking out. She got mad, and then stalked away back home.

I can understand why she’s worried. It makes sense. It’s frustrating, however, that I know she wouldn’t have freaked out if she didn’t think I was with Carter or Elisse. If the only danger was me getting kidnapped by some freak downtown she wouldn’t have cared. We’ve been in situations like this before, and she’s stayed calm, usually waiting for the problem to work itself out. It always has. Once in Cincinnati she left me at church, a 45 minute drive from our house. She noticed my absence the second she got on the freeway, but figured I was a nice competent 7 year old and that I would find my way home. I did. I always do. If it was me lying to her, however, she has to freak out and hunt me down. The more time she spends looking the better; more to get me in trouble with. How annoying. Can’t they just forget that I live here? Can’t they just pretend like they have no daughter? I want to move out so badly. I think I would fare much better in an apartment then in the arduous confinement of family life. Bah.
I don’t think I’ll write my scarlet letter essay. We have a sub during first period tomorrow; I think I’ll just do it then. I don’t care. The bothers of school no longer worry me; there is now very little I can’t shrug off. I’m sure this isn’t a good thing; a terrible change if it be anything, but it feels absolutely divine to cast my academic cares into the black abyss of ennui and complete indifference.

I need to finish this, though. I just need to push through and take my SAT and ACT and finish my classes and graduate and get my license. Every action listed has to be done sooner rather than later, I know I need to do this. I don’t want to, though. An incredibly violent case of Spring fever is attacking me; we’re wrestling and I’m losing. Spring fever is just beating me and making fun of me and then beating me again. It’s a pleasurable defeat, however, so my resistance is nothing staggering. I just want to become a hermit and sleep in a cardboard box downtown, never to think again. Why am I craving my intellectual demise? See what spag and public education in Utah have done to me? I stand completely robbed of all ambition. Not my fault, though; why on earth would I own up to this when I can blame it on East high school’s utterly pathetic funding? That would be something an emotionally stable person would do, you silly Canadian…

We still don’t have the internet. Slackers. Stupid stupid slackers.

I can’t stand my own kind….