I listen. Panic drops, sweeps over me. Nervous. Very nervous, looking frantically, almost fanatically. Side to side. Forcing myself to close my eyes. Breathe. Breathe. How, when so many options are finally open to me, what am I trying to. Stop. Breathe. Be calm, think, try to breathe. But what, surely, there's simply no way one person can be so lucky. Nobody's that stupid. Breathe. I walk side to side, unable to keep still. Panic grasps me still. What exactly is going to. Stop. I need to think, I need to be efficient, I need to stop being so incredibly. What is going to happen? What am I doing? And for what? What do I expect? What on earth am. Stop. Breathe. Close your eyes, bring your hands to your head and cover your face. Every clever dimension I've ever tried to build, every logical, sane bone in my body screams in disappointment, every expectation has been twisted and ripped. My mind scurries about, frantically trying to collect the shards of an answer that doesn't exist as my breath quickens and stops again. My eyes tear open and stare at the blank sky to see what a mess my ideal has become and yet, for once, when I'm in the reality I've risked everything for, I am sincere.

Stop. There are voices around the corner, there are things to do. Pull your hands from your face. Put your hands by your side, one resting on your hip. Stop. Your hands, by your side. Smile, and think, think quickly. What am I doing? Surely there's something believable, there always is. Think. What are you going to say? What are you going to say when the questions come? They always do. There are always questions, and there will always be your intricate web of vagary to answer them.

I throw my head back as I turn around, an aloof grin on my face and my hands swinging at my hips. I stretch, look up at the sky debonairly, and open my mouth to speak.