I should most certainly be sleeping. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in only god knows how long, and today has certainly been a confusing, tiring day. I feel a need to write, however, and sort things out.

Matt is a studio mate of mine that I’ve had a crush on for sometime now. He’s one of the most talented students in the classroom- thanks to the fact that his hobbies and passions all revolve around concept art and other productive, beneficial interests related to our field- and his desk sits diagonally across from mine. I suppose we’ve been aware of each other’s existence since fall of last year when we entered the program as sophomores, but it wasn’t until the quarter before coop that I noticed him for the first time and developed a very silly, typical crush.

Perhaps it’s his utter dorkiness– his love of comic books, the batman shirts, the endless quotation of random movies, his sharp but good-natured wit– or his dark hair, hazel eyes and the ideal way his lean frame stands at six feet even. His sense of humor is simultaneously childish and profoundly observant, and no matter the day or my mood, always able to make me laugh.

We rarely talked prior to this quarter- we were in different studios prior to coop and then off in different cities for our jobs- but we’ve come to know each other a bit now that we’re in the same studio and sit next to one another. At times our conversations were flirtatious and at times completely platonic, depending on the day and our current situation, and now that I look back upon the last month I realize how indecisive and fickle his behavior has been. Though I’ve decided that I don’t want to date anyone exclusively or engage in any type of long distance relationship until I’ve finished school, my absolute adoration of him and desire to casually spend time with him hasn’t waned. He, on the other hand, flits back and forth from instigating blatantly flirtatious interaction to mindlessly asking me advice about other girls he considers pursuing. Instead of taking a cautionary step back and distancing myself from the uncertain situation, I did what I do best and dove straight into the mess.

I think it was a week or a week and a half into the quarter when I really talked to him for the first time. We had our first assignment due in our Industrial Design studio- an image board and task analysis of the powertool we had chosen to redesign- and I was adding final touches to my work late in studio when he walked in to hang up what he had prepared for the following day. My productivity, as always, took a nose-dive the moment he showed up. We chatted for a moment or two as he hung up his boards and I pretended to continue working. After he had pinned his work to the wall and shuffled various things about his desk he asked me an unexpected question:

“So what’s going on between you and Jason? Is there something there?” He said, somehow managing to prevent the question from sounding as awkward as it was. I was a bit startled to hear this; Jason and I are good friends, and though many individuals have assumed over the course of the past year that we are more than just friends, we’re not. Normally the assumption is unspoken, however, and I was surprised by his boldly admitted curiosity.

“No, we’re not.” I said, probably while grinning bashfully and stupidly.

“Is there no interest, or …” He probed, encouraging an explanation.

“There is a plethora of reasons. I’ve tried the older guy scenario and think I’ll look for someone closer to my own age next time around.”

He asked a couple more questions, all extremely straightforward yet delivered comfortably and confidently. I discovered many things about him that surprised me during that conversation: in regards to relationships he is extremely conservative and inexperienced, and somewhat charming in his desire for a woman “who can take care of herself but will allow herself to be taken care of”. We talked about past relationships; he admitted to being somewhat smitten with a girl in our studio, I mentioned Ben. He declared that he prefers serious relationships and alluded to the fact that he currently doesn’t want to be too physical with a woman, and I rather bluntly told him that though I’m seeing a couple of people I have no intention of really caring for someone until I’ve finished school and have the time to invest. Things were going along swimmingly; it appeared that we were totally and undeniably incompatible.

A studio romance, you see, is tragedy waiting to happen. It makes an office romance look like an idealistic fairytale. There is no way imaginable for such a situation to do anything other than deteriorate into a bitter, awkward mess; there are less than 20 students in our studio, which is probably about 700 square feet and organized in an open layout. There is no place to hide and no way to distance oneself from any one classmate. One is fated to spend, at the very least, 50 hours a week with one’s peers for five years. All of them. On top of this there are also social complications of dating a classmate. If things don’t work out, or more realistically speaking, when things don’t work out, one is forced to spend years worrying about whether or not the second party is discussing personal topics with friends and coworkers. The design world, being as miniscule as it is, forgets nothing. Memories of embarrassing situations do not fade upon graduation; at this time your peers become fellow employees of the industry. All in all, dating a fellow student is a bad, bad idea.

Oh, and by the way: due to co-op, we spend every other three months in different cities. That, too, may complicate things a wee bit.

For some inexplicable, astounding reason this didn’t bother me in the slightest. I knew fully well what a vexing mess such a relationship would inevitably become, and I knew it was careless of me to jeopardize my ability to comfortably focus in class, yet I didn’t care. I didn’t care one bit. It wasn’t a passionate obsession that lead me to forsake better judgment; I just felt like going along and seeing what came of it. At that moment in time I was perfectly content being his friend but for some reason I didn’t have the discipline to rule out anything more. Seeing our vastly different ideals and interests, however, it seemed that things were to stay platonic, and I was happy with this.

We talked a while in studio while putzing about. I was working on an assignment that wasn’t due for ages, and it appeared he had come to studio just to hang his work up. I began packing up my things and offered him a ride home. He accepted, and as we drove to his place he asked if I would like to see an episode of Batman Begins he had talked about in studio. Though our opinions about relationships and significant others vary greatly, we agree on batman. I hadn’t seen Batman Begins; I couldn’t imagine anything living up to the glory years of batman TAS, but he insisted I approach the series with an open mind and give it a try. It was late by this time- probably close to midnight- and we had critique at nine the next morning, yet of course what little pragmatism I had went out the window the moment he offered.

While up in his room the tone changed dramatically. Gone was discussion of other romantic endeavors and logical relationships; the conversation grew progressively more flirtatious, he ran a finger down my calf at times and asked if going to see the Dark Knight would be a date. I was somewhat surprised by it all, though I’m sure I instigated just as much as he did. I told him “sure” when he asked about the movie (yes, yes I know. I'm a slick casanova, aren't I). When 2:30 rolled around we decided to call it a night and I drove back to my apartment.

Though I had been absolutely smitten with this boy for ages, I wasn’t ecstatic at this, the first sign of romantic interest. The entire Matt ordeal has been a peculiar one in that I’ve felt distanced from it even as it happened. I watched these scenes unfold with the same concern with which one would watch a movie; yes, you have expectations and hopes for what will happen, but regardless of the story’s events you still get up and walk away after the two hours have run its course.

Perhaps this is why I didn’t think through the logic of the situation or get up in arms over anything that was happening; I sat in my theater chair, popcorn in hand, gasping in horror when Matt spoke of how much he liked Erin and “aaawing” when he insinuated that he wanted to go on a date. There was no jumping up and down upon my return to the apartment, no giddy girlish squeals, nothing of the sort. Those who know me well would contest that I’m simply not prone to such behavior, but I have been known to act frivolously when in private. I simply went home and went to bed.

The weeks that followed showed little of the flirtation that had been so apparent that evening. There were hints, here and there, that were direct and undeniable, but they were sprinkled between spouts of behavior that would suggest otherwise. We went to go see the movie with a group of fifteen other people and only spent time alone together when chance found the two of us in studio late at night.

At this moment in time I was in the middle of training for PF Changs, which required an intense time investment and a lot of studying. Between school, work, friends and family I had little time to fret about what had happened to the attraction that had previously surfaced. A couple of weeks passed, and I came to the conclusion that little would ever happen between Matt and I. My reaction, as I mentioned before, was muffled and understated; for some strange reason none of this struck me as tragic, just mildly unfortunate.

Early last week I made plans to go see the Dark Knight again with a small handful of students that had been unable to see it the week before. I extended the invitation to everyone in studio, including Matt. We originally planned to go see it Tuesday, then changed it to Thursday, then considered seeing it sometime over the weekend due to scheduling conflicts. As our plans shuffled about and became increasingly uncertain our group’s number dwindled until Jon, Matt and I were the only ones still planning to attend. Later in the week at studio I attempted to nail down a time only to be hushed by Matt, who once again wanted us to go see it alone. I obliged, and plans were made for Sunday afternoon.

Even then, alone at the levee’s Barnes and Noble and the movie theater, things were primarily friendly. He went off to go look at comic books while I bought the coffee I desperately needed- I had stayed out late at a party the night before- and we each paid for our movie tickets separately. I ate my bagel as quietly as possible, sipped my coffee, and halfway through the bank scene at the beginning of the movie he put his arm around my shoulder. He smelled nice. I was happy.

Afterwards he invited me yet again up to his room to see an episode we had discussed during the course of the afternoon. The flirtation heightened, the conversation grew more suggestive, tickling ensued. The situation was playful, charming and certain. We went for food, joked around, he walked me to my car, and there, on the west bank of Vine’s wide boulevard, swimming in the benign breeze of a soft summer day, we kissed.

Even as I think the words I feel how maudlin this sounds. These sentiments are so predictable and expected, especially from a woman. I hate the cliche, I hate it, but it's true: I have never melted as I melted then.

The precursory fumbling was momentary. It was short enough to be charming instead of awkward, and the kiss that followed was slow, comfortable, and lingering though not prolonged. As I pulled away from him and started for my car door I told him:

“Yes, this will definitely need talking about”. I was still confused; his flip-flopping had left me skeptical. I was skeptical, but I was content. I wasn’t worried, I wasn’t unsure; I was just floating along watching the show, happy with the blissful turn of events. Upon my return to my apartment, a grin spread to my lips as I fell to my bed. That was a spectacular first kiss.

My reminiscing was cut short by the schoolwork I had neglected all weekend. Not only did I have a considerable amount of work I needed to complete for school, but I also had a PF Chang’s bar exam scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. It may sound like a simple restaurant test, but it was brutal; for example, one of the questions asked was “name the five different types of cognac we carry, the corresponding prices, and a flavor profile of each”. Imagine having to memorize such information for every liquor, spirit, cocktail and wine sold at PF Changs. I had to know three bottles of wine for every type of wine sold (and we’re not just talking the basics. I had to know this information for obscure wines such as pinot gris, petit sirah, and Monostrell). I had to know how the cocktails were made, the ingredients and the exact brand of liquor in them, and the garnish (PF Chang’s offers over 40 cocktails). I hadn’t even begun to study for it yet, and it was already Sunday evening. I decided to focus on the school work that was due Monday and study for the exam Monday afternoon. I stayed up until three trying to perfect the 3D model of my floor edger, and woke up four hours later to get ready for class.

I was tired, but I was elated. I had wasted an entire weekend that should have been spent in the dreary confines of studio, but that kiss dissolved any worry or doubt. Not only were my worries of work and class shoved away and neglected, but any apprehension I probably should have felt regarding this situation with Matt was nonexistent. I surprised myself with the light step and silly grin with which I walked to school the following morning.

Nothing unusual happened during studio the next morning; no silly grins flashed back and forth between Matt and I, no awkward blushing or stuttering or fumbling could be seen in either of us. Things were cheerfully flirtatious as they had been before, but we focused on the work we needed to focus on instead of one another. It wasn’t until later that evening, when once again we were alone in studio together, that anything romantic happened.

Much to my surprise, he kissed me in the middle of studio, the door flung wide open to the hallway’s several passersby. I kissed him back and pulled him to a more discreet corner of the room. He kissed with a fervor I would have never expected from a chaste, idealistic family man. His five-o-clock shadow cut into my skin and I tasted sunscreen on his neck.

For some reason I feel no desire to relive this scene as I do the kiss of the previous day; it was too heavy too quickly and sensual in a way I hadn’t expected. The making out was hot and flawless but misplaced and cut short by the embarrassing, awkward arrival of a classmate.

I was pressed against the wall behind a column and didn’t see her walk into the room, but I heard her book bag hit her desk as Matt reflexively let go and walked towards his desk. It was impossible to play dumb or stupidly pretend as if we had been inspecting the grain of the column she saw us against. We had, plain and simple, been caught making out in studio.

We walked the 15-foot walk of shame back to our desks as we laughed in embarrassment. Emily, the unfortunate girl who had walked in on us, turned and left the room as soon as she possibly could. Matt and I, blushing madly and laughing scurried out of the room to escape the suffocating embarrassment.

We didn’t walk next to one another; I walked briskly a couple of paces in front of him down the hallway, through the building and to the lawn. I couldn’t stop blushing and laughed nervously as I walked. We sat down in the grass and fell into a final fit of laughter. I buried my head in my hands, my face hot to the touch and still bright red. We glanced at each other and continued to laugh.

I can only vaguely remember that conversation. Too much time has passed to do justice with dialogue, though I can remember what was said. Matt asked me whether or not I thought Emily would tell anyone, and I replied that there wasn’t a chance in hell that she wouldn’t. That’s simply not how women are built, I told him. It’s physically impossible for us to keep such juicy gossip a secret. We then discussed, for the first time, what in the hell we were doing. We agreed to something casual- we both had feelings for individuals we met during coop- and then mulled over various dating technicalities. I had very little to say; technically speaking, the whole thing was a horrible, horrible idea. Nothing could change our unfavorable schedule or proximity. I remember noting how much I disliked having that unpleasant conversation with him; kissing was much more fun.

“Just be reckless for once”, I said, grinning. “Worry about these thing as they come”.

We returned to our studio, and much to my surprise he kissed me in the hallway. Bizarrely, the normally busy hallway was completely empty and the kiss went unnoticed. Though my satisfaction with our situation wasn’t as carefree and giddy as it had been the evening before, I was still happy and not worried in the slightest. I simply adored him.

I stayed late and woke early to work. I worked at home- I was dreading the inevitable reaction from my classmates- and arrived at studio an hour before class. I glanced over at the table at which Emily sat, along with her two good friends Emily and Erin. It was impossible to tell by listening to those damned girls whether or not Emily had said anything. They were always giggling.

Matt arrived half and hour later. After setting his bag down he walked to my desk and told me quietly that he needed to speak with me. I obliged and followed him out of the classroom. We walked much as we had the evening before: not side by side as one walks during a comfortable, leisurely conversation, but rather he walked a pace or two ahead of me, looking back as he talked.

“I was up thinking about this all last night and this morning, and I wanted to just get to the point before I choked out.”

Oh dear, I thought to myself. How on earth had I not seen this coming? I was completely oblivious to this possibility right up until this moment. Dear god, I’m an idiot. I silently chastised myself as I followed him blindly, dumbly.

We turned the corner and stopped at a ledge overlooking the grand staircase. He hopped up and sat on the ledge, which was waist-high, but I remained standing, rested my elbows on the ledge and looked up at him.

“I can’t.” He said.

Of course, I thought. I had known exactly what was happening the moment he had asked to speak with me, and other than that initial shock my reaction was entirely muted. I was relaxed in my mysterious theater chair, after all, distant and barely concerned. I didn’t at all like what was happening and I felt enormously apprehensive, but I was helpless. Class started in 15 minutes and I had an unbelievable amount of schoolwork to do. I couldn’t let anything slow me down or set me even farther back. Little or no emotion seeped through my expression, which was silent and pensive, or at least I believe none did. He may have seen or sensed something of which I was entirely unaware.

“It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s not that I’m not attracted to you, it’s just that I’m not okay with not being 100% in a relationship, even if you are.”

I employed a surprisingly successful poker face to carry me through the rest of the conversation. I wasn’t hiding any sort of heartbreak from him; we hadn’t spent enough time together to be emotionally invested and I’m much to proud to cry or even admit to such a thing in face of rejection. It was still miserable to hear these words come from a man I was completely infatuated with. What I hated the most about the entire ordeal was the public venue. Though he was speaking quietly and no one could possibly figure out what was happening, I hated the wretched words he was uttering and felt as if everyone in the world could hear him.

“You know there are other people I have feelings for, one of which is back at Hasbro…”

Another of which happens to be in our own fucking studio, I thought to myself bitterly. So help me God, if he macks on Erin in front of me I’ll castrate him while he sleeps….

“…And it’s just not fair to you,” He finished.

“Those are all things I would have liked to know a couple of days ago, Matt,” I responded.

“I know, and I’m sorry. Hey, man.” He looked up and addressed a fellow daap student who was walking towards us. It was Travis, who one of my roommates and apparently a friend of Matt’s. I jumped at the opportunity to escape and asked him some bullshit question about the utilities bill while we began walking back towards class. He answered, I thanked him, and he left Matt and I to walk down the ID corridor alone, side-by-side, awkward and uncomfortable. Whatever had transpired between Matt and I evaporated the instant we walked into studio, and things went back to what they had been before. We chatted meaninglessly during class and joked about the same old things during studio, and never again acknowledged that we had ever been anything more than classmates.