Scarlet Johansson is adorable. The extraordinary talent she displayed in 'Love Song for Bobby Long' has secured her as a keeper, really it has. So why am I so disappointed to read the dialogue in this interview? Why does she come across as completely disjointed and, well, 9 years old? It makes you think of the reporter as an exceptionally obsequious special-ed teacher.

"Where do you call home, Scarlett?"

"I bought a house in L.A., but I got lonely and sold it and moved into the Chateau Marmont. Then I got a fish, because I was lonely there. He was a Japanese fighting fish named Cassius. I cleaned his water every three days, but somebody took care of him for a week and they let his water get dirty. He got a skin disease and died. I was mortified. I dug a giant hole in the garden at the Chateau Marmont and buried him. I know it was just a fish, but somehow he became a good friend of mine."

"Very Good, Scarlett. Now why don't you tell me about your new puppy, Maggie?

"She's this little bitty thing. The first three days, she didn't make a sound. Then the fourth day, she started barking incessantly. It was irritating, so I taught her not to bark. You spray them in the butt with a water bottle. It doesn't hurt."

"That's wonderful, sweetie. Please stop eating your glue."